People talk about living in London, Paris or New York once in their life. I actually did that!! I knew where the tastiest but least expensive restaurants were. I saw a musical every month. I could still do good in the field of humanitarian aid and have high work autonomy (since I'd be the only one in this role). The organization was still growing, so there was plenty of growth potential. I was even building an international reputation, with colleagues from our 3 foreign offices reaching out to me for e-strategy consultations.

One day, I was tracking Google Analytics and noticed a lot of traffic from a website. I clicked on that site and out of the corner of my eye saw a job ad for the same position I was in, but with a much larger and more reputable international aid organization (with I assumed higher salary). I didn't think anything of it because I was so focused on my work.

But around midnight, I couldn't help but pull up that site again. The ad was gone. What where the chances that I happened upon that ad, which was at the TOP of that page, at the EXACT moment I saw it?!? I applied of course, passed both interviews with flying colors.

Phew, it only took 9 career identity re-inventions, 9 rounds of emotional rumble and critics corner to arrive here. I adored my colleagues who were all passionate, fun, super talented and good-hearted people.

With the salary increase, I was able to move from Brooklyn to Manhattan. My landlord even chose me out of 32 applicants that day because my business card had the international aid organization's logo on it.

I had my "Sex and the City" foursome gal pals, was learning Antigravity Yoga and fashion design, and could walk to work in 21 minutes. At work, I had near total creative freedom and would complete e-projects in 3 weeks, when it took other offices 3 weeks just to finalize the specs.

I spearheaded a global $1.2 million dollar online initiative, because I felt like it and because making systems efficient and lean is fun! Several of our international offices flew me overseas to their respective offices to borrow my talents. It was a dream life come true!

It was a dream I wasn't even capable of dreaming up. It was a dream I didn't even know I deserved. It was a dream I didn't even realize could exist.

Letting Go / Walking Away

But I let it all go. 😭😭😭 If you've been following this series, you might feel like me and want to quit reading or listening to this series. Every re-invention is so full of awe and juicy lessons, and ends with walking away from it all. 😭😭😭

To keep it real, the compounded federal tax, and state tax, and New York City tax weighed heavily on me. I knew from my travels that there were other places with lower cost of living and higher quality of life. I missed being able to see the sky, which I couldn't see from my tiny 250 sq ft studio. If some lived in a shoebox, I lived in a shoe!

My life was very minimalist, but doing good doesn't necessarily pay the bills. What if I had a large medical expense or wanted to buy a home? It'd be impossible on my current salary.

Also, day in, day out, my inbox was bombarded with photos and videos of disease, famine, death, and disaster. Though I was doing meaningful work, my sensitive constitution could only handle so many years of "secondary PTSD," which is a term I'd only learn about 6 years down the road. That! That's what I was suffering from. I just had no words for it at the time. Though the death and disaster didn't happen to me, I was like a sponge soaking up second-hand trauma.

I was also facing the very real glass ceiling: I didn't want my boss's job, but there was no other ladder to climb in that organization. No matter my talent, quality delivery and speed, I'd never be able to have a promotion or raise. I wanted to be reward for the caliber of my skills and person, not for the number of hours I sat at a desk.

And alongside this professional identity crisis, the Universe placed me at a crossroads: stay at a no-growth career that I loved or move 12 timezones away, in a blind leap of faith that I could have both professional and personal fulfillment. I took the blind leap of faith. I crashed on the pavement of: nope, you can't have both (not yet, anyways)!

Fears / Emotional Rumble

• Heartache of saying goodbye to passionately talented colleagues, fun loving friends, and the abundance New York City
• Guilt over the fact that I shouldn't feel such grief/loss because it was my choice to leave
• Pure, unadulterated freedom and joy at having "made it", coupled with fear of never finding anything nearly as satisfying
• Agony and injustice at having to chose between career and love
• Mental tug of war between contentment with meaningful work and an unquenchable thirst for more (a "more" that I couldn't even put words to)
• Hazy, foggy knowing that the "more" that I was seeking wouldn't be found in NYC (this was 4 years before I even heard of the term "intuition" and discovered I too had one! who knew?!?)
• Uneasy self-questioning of "Is this all there is?" [I'd be very soon shown that the answer is "Nope. This is not all there is. There is soooooo much more that you would go catatonic if the Universe revealed it all to me."]
• Constant self-doubt, "Am I crazy for walking away from The Dream?" Ellany, do you have any idea how many millions only dream of this Dream?

Interestingly, there was zero fear. (I think it's because I had hit the glass ceiling, so I was confident that any change would be better than being stuck below that glass.)

Critics Corner

• Where the f*ck are you off to again?!?
• Why can't you just pick one thing and stick to it?
• How dare you abandon